Anxiety

I think my anxiety level is on HIGH this week.  Which is weird because I wouldn't normally say I am a person who gets anxiety, I am sure its the pregnancy hormones.

I feel like a whale.  I know I talked about it in my bump update but I don’t remember feeling like this last time I was pregnant.  Maybe because I last time I started out as a whale?  Last time I got pregnant my starting weight was 185 and the night my water broke I was at 217, that’s 32 lbs.  This time I started out at 165 and am currently at 190, that’s  25 lbs which means I only have 7 more pounds until I hit 32 lbs or 10 more pounds until I hit the big 200.  And when I give birth to this baby boy in April I will only be 2 months away from full on summer….swim suit season.

Speaking of summer, I dread thinking about breast feeding through the summer.  The act of breast feeding was not successful for Lakelyn and I.  So I pumped and gave her a bottle.  It worked out for both of us.  I was never going to be a mom who could breastfeed in public, not even my mom or best friend.  It makes me feel uncomfortable.  So after a few weeks of battling and stressing out over breastfeeding I decided to pump and make us both happy.  BUT pumping is also exhausting and made me feel like a cow and in the beginning doing it every 2 hrs becomes exhausting.  So thinking about that during summer, does not sound like fun.

We are thinking about moving Lakelyn to her new big girl bed tonight.  I am pretty sure I have read every article on the internet with tips on how to make this transition smooth.  I dread it.  She sleeps so well in her crib now, why would I mess that up?  Oh, because we have a baby coming in April and need to start the process sooner than later.  We could wait until after the baby but potty training is supposed to start in a month or so and I want her to be able to get out of bed if she needs to.  So we need to get her in her big girl bed ASAP.  She loves her bed but has no interest in sleeping in it.

I feel like more than ever I read stories about people losing their babies while pregnant, or finding out there 5 year old has cancer or the dresser fell on top of a toddler in the middle of the night and they died.  I can’t handle it!  If anything happened to Lakelyn I am not sure I could go on. 

A local kindergartner found out she has cancer.  Her family created a Facebook page which most of my friends comment or like, so the post pop up in my feed.  For awhile I didn't like the page because I knew reading the updates would make me upset.  But then I felt guilty for not.  Then eventually I made the decision that if this were my daughter I would want all the support I could get.  So I liked the page and continue to do my best to support her and her family. 

A coworker of Luke’s had a baby boy a few months ago who was born with an enlarged heart and recently passed away.  It’s so hard for me to understand how you can do everything right for 9 months to give birth and your world come crashing down.  I am just not sure I have the strength.

After reading the story about the dresser falling on top of the toddler, Luke will be strapping ours to the wall tonight.

I feel like I need a day to myself to lay in bed and do nothing and not feel guilty about it.