How Motherhood Changed Me

They say you feel love like you have never felt before, and it is so true.  Being a mother has changed me in every way because my life is so much greater. It filled a void I never knew was there, it's the most amazing experience of my life.

From the moment they put Lakelyn on my chest, after 4 hours of pushing, my life was forever changed.  Thinking about it right now makes me tear up.  I had a hard labor, one of these days Ill post my birth story, although my labor was hard I don’t think I would have changed it if it were possible.  People who know what I went through would think I was crazy for saying that.  But because of that hard labor I feel like it made everything in my life change, and all for the better.

Everyone tells you when you are pregnant that you can never imagine loving someone so much the minute you meet them but it is so true.  I always wondered if the first time I saw my baby if this would happen to me and if it didn’t was I a bad mommy?  But after having that baby how could you NOT instantly fall in love.

I feel like getting pregnant and having a baby changed Luke and I’s relationship, for the better.  Luke and I were young when we started dating.  He was 19, I was 18.  We pretty much grew up together as adults.  I always knew I wanted to marry him and never had any doubt.  Luke was not so sure.  He loved me and didn’t want to not be with me but didn’t understand why get married.  I think he thought our relationship would be different after we got married and he didn’t want what we had to change.  After we had Lakelyn I feel like he found a new purpose in life, to be a father and to be a better man.  Not only did I find out that I could love someone the minute I met them but when I didn’t think I could love Luke anymore, my heart grew twice its size and made room for me to love him more.  Even to this day seeing him with Lakelyn it pulls at my heart.  I think him seeing me as a mother made him realize he was ready to commit to me.  When I ask him what his favorite thing about me is, he always says seeing me as a mom.  He is such an amazing father and I can’t wait to call him my husband.

When Lakelyn was two days old I feel like my relationship with God changed.  I grew up with Christian parents and grandparents and went to church off and on throughout my childhood.  I went to bible study and vacation bible school as a kid, I memorized a bible verse, my grandma quizzed me on bible facts, I knew who God was and the basic understanding any normal child would.  Luke was opposite, his parents both grew up in a very strict religious household so when his parents were old enough they rebelled against their parents and left all religion at home when they moved out.  Luke and his siblings did not grow up in a house going to church or learning about God.  However, when Lakelyn was two days old this all changed.  Lakelyn started having consistent body twitches, we thought it was seizers, after a day of testing they went away and it was found they were not seizures and she is a perfectly healthy baby.  But that day was the longest and hardest day of my life.  Luke and I prayed and asked for prayers from everyone we knew.  We had faith and hope that everything would be okay and when everything turned out for the best we knew we had God looking down on us and an angel over Lakelyn.

Being a mother has helped me to better understand and empathize with my own mother.  Lakelyn is only 1 and so I know these feelings I have today could easily change in 1, 5, 10 years from now.  But when times are rough which I know they will be, this is MY daughter we are talking about, I want to look back and never forget the feelings I have for her today.  I look back at my childhood and appreciate and understand so much more now.  I get it, now.  All you want to do is protect your child from the cruel and unpredictable world we live in.

I can’t imagine why any women would NOT want to be a mother.  I am sure there are many reasons but until you are a mother you don’t know what you are missing out on.  And I feel for every women trying to become a mother and struggles to.

I am less brave.  Or, possibly less stupid.  I used to do whatever I wanted and always thought nothing bad would happen to me.  Now, how my actions could affect my child is my first concern in everything I do.  I used to not mind flying, now I am anxious the minute we take off and can’t wait to get on the ground again.  When we went to NYC I was so worried we would get mugged and never went down a dark street to avoid the possibility, before Lakelyn it would have never crossed my mind.  I would have sky dived or bungee jumped 5 years ago, you couldn’t even get me to think about it now.  I have already told Luke I may not be able to snorkel on our honeymoon.  What if I get stung by a fish or the boat leaves without us, I just can’t take the risk.  I can’t take the risk of something happening to me and leaving Lakelyn with no mommy.

I only want what’s best for Lakelyn and will do everything in my power to make that happen.

I feel so blessed to get to be on this journey, to be a mommy.